Bringing up children alone

Bringing up children alone can be a lonely business, especially if you suddenly find yourself a single parent through separation or bereavement. But it’s perfectly possible to end up in a more positive place once the dust has settled.

As a single mum, taking complete responsibility can be a big challenge, from finding enough money and juggling work and childcare to coping with emotional upheaval and the need to keep going for everyone’s sakes.

A mum's view

It can also be hard to work out where the new boundaries lie. Sarah, who has two sons aged 10 and 8, stayed on in the family home when her former partner Neil left.

“I became quite soft with the boys because I was so worried that they would resent me if I laid down the law. I also wasn’t used to being the one to dole out the discipline and I wanted them to be happy. Needless to say, they ran rings around me. I was also quite stressed having to shoulder the whole burden of running the house and paying the bills. I soon realised that it was never going to work trying being their big mate and letting them rule the roost. It’s been a year now and they have settled down a lot. Well, we all have.”

Tips to cope as a single mum

It can be frightening to think that you are in sole charge of financial planning, or that you can’t just throw in the towel when it’s hard going, especially if the children are arguing or you are shattered. But there are ways to cope.

• Take care of yourself. Being the sole adult in the family can be tiring, and if you don’t look after yourself it will be much harder to look after the kids. A couple of hours childcare goes a long way - try to set aside some time for yourself, eat properly and get as much sleep as you can.
• If you find yourself counting the pennies, there are a few things you can do to stay in control. Take a look at our Money matters section for full details on what financial help you might be entitled to, plus, see our ‘Money tips for single parents.’
• Have fun with your children. It really helps to have a support network of other parents, some of whom may well be in the same situation as you.
• Don’t hide away. Getting out and about is the only way to have a social life, and it can make you depressed to stay in the house all day.
• Take a helping hand when it’s offered – support from family and friends is so important and could help you get back on track more quickly.

The Rewards

Once you become used to being a sole parent, you might find there are some upsides to the new situation.

• Taking responsibility means taking control and doing what is best for yourself and the children. It means you can set your own rules and work out what suits you best in the new set-up. And you can take command of the TV remote.
• You may find strengths you didn’t know you had, which will both help you face a different future, and lead you onto new, and more positive paths.
• It’s natural to worry about how the children will react, but they may surprise you with their resilience and will quickly become used to it being just you at home. 
• You may develop an even closer bond with the kids, particularly if you have a different view to your ex on what parenting means and you can finally express it.
• If the household has been living in a tense atmosphere, it may well become an altogether more fun place to live.

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